There is so much to say these days I don’t know what to write. I don’t know where to start.
I’m upset at all the things going on nationwide right now that are stealing my freedom. I mean I genuinely feel uneasy, afraid even, to be living in a country where I’m being told I can’t disagree. You can have your own opinions, just not that one. It’s scary.
I’m constantly disturbed by all the casual sex around me and how sad it is to see people use each other the way they do. I’m constantly thinking about how lovely it is to be single and have no one to answer to and be able to rest when I want, spend money when I want and travel when I want. I’m constantly thinking about how hard it is to be single and how I wish I had a partner to do life with, grow with, enjoy making babies with (haha, trying to keep it PG here people) and make plans for the future with.
How do I sit down and blog when my mind and heart are full of such deep, real things?
All day everyday.
Isn’t it nice to just zone out sometimes? Some mindless TV. Laughter with friends. A trip to a theme park. Lighthearted. Distracting. Easy. Fun.
I know I’m not the only one who thinks about heavy things. I didn't even mention hurt or fear. Breakups that still hurt. Fear of losing loved ones. Disappointment in the way___________ (fill in the blank) turned out. Or who ____________ (fill in the blank) turned out to be. Feelings and memories – even guilt - that sit quietly in the corner of my soul.
No wonder people get drunk and have one-night stands.
Distractions. Keeps the mind busy. Keeps the thoughts that we can’t seem to sort out a long way away.
There is something disconcerting about feelings and thoughts that we can’t make sense of, isn’t there?
Men. Beautiful, strong, hardworking men all over the world struggle with this because they like to be in control. Women. Beautiful, vulnerable women all over the world struggle with this because they like to be in control. Men fear failure, women fear pain, either way we all secretly fear those thoughts and feelings, questions and memories that we can’t make sense of because they live in us.
Within our own selves is something unfamiliar. Wonderlust. Abiding sin. Homesickness for heaven. What is it?
I have a good sense of self. I know what I believe. I’m not talking about an identity issue here. Or a confidence issue or even a faith issue. I’m talking about those occurrences in life that we can’t quite reconcile. Those fears we can’t quite calm. Those insecurities we can’t quite voice.
When life is a mystery, when you don't recognize yourself, what do you do with that?
I rest on absolute truth. At least I try to. I think there is profound grace in absolute truth.
I know we live in a world that says freedom = no rules; but from where I’m sitting that isn’t freedom, that’s slavery – to our mysterious, sinful, unfamiliar, unpredictable selves.
This blog is short and sweet. I don’t have much to say about all of this except that I believe that FREEDOM IS SOMEONE SMARTER THAN ME BEING IN CONTROL AND SHOWING ME THE WAY. I believe that freedom is being able to look at the craziness inside of me and still know what to do (based on the guidance of the Word of God) when I am outright confused and can’t event trust me.
Go for it world. Follow your heart. Live your life based on feelings and fears and self - a self that you can’t quite sort out. Let me know how that works out for you.
I will choose God’s clarity over my unpredictable self.
God was gracious enough to lay it out for us CLEARLY. We know which actions lead to life, joy and even eternal life (and which ones don't). He hasn't made that confusing at all. It's plain as day in the Word. So when my own humanness, which is marked by my sin and other's sins against us, is confusing and unreliable and deceiving, I find all freedom and great GRACE in God’s absolute truth.
Grace by definition is getting something that you don't deserve. Yes, we have been given forgiveness of our sins, if we accept it. We don't deserve that. We have been given heaven, if we trust God for our salvation. We don't deserve that. We have also been given clear boundaries and God has established this world on basic, unchanging, absolute principles. Those boundaries and principles to protect us from ourselves.
My mind can get a little crazy. My feelings can get a lot bit unpredictable. There are days I don’t recognize me.
By the GRACE OF GOD….I don’t have to follow me.